Tis the season for the Mefi Mall - shop fine products by Mefites! Should I continue seeing this guy who is in an open relationship? November 4, 7: I know I don't want a relationship with him open or otherwise as we are too different, but is there any way I can make this work casually without getting too emotionally involved? A few months ago I came out of a 1 year relationship and almost immediately met someone new through a friend.
His girlfriend had been studying in another country at this point for a few months, but was due back soon. Their relationship had always been open. He told me that she was fully aware of me and I believed him as I know people who know her and he was definitely not lying about this as I know it could be easy to assume that.
I started to develop feelings for him after about 2 months due to the amount of time we were spending together and when his girlfriend returned to the country a month ago I decided to break it off with him as I was not very comfortable with the situation.
He understood and it was all very amicable. Mostly the incredible sex, but also the intimacy and general fun times we had together. Nothing good can come of this. There's nothing "wrong" with that, you're clearly into this guy at a level that he isn't or at least isn't letting himself be.
It's not about "strength," it's about wanting different things. Just because you can intellectualize "Oh, it's just hormones" doesn't mean that those hormones will What does open minded mean in dating what is an fwb away. Every minute you spend with this guy is a minute you're not spending with someone else.
That's just how things work. You have to lay down the law with him that either you're above-board with the girlfriend or you're done. It's one thing to be the other person, but being the affair is definitely not good for you, or him, or even her. If he comes back and has dealt with the girlfriend issue telling her the truth or breaking up with herthen re-evaluate whether you can be with someone non-monogamously and proceed from there.
But don't be the secret piece on the side. There are plenty of guys out there who can provide awesome sex without the baggage. You are confused and trying to justify a romance with the argument that you are "strong enough to handle it. And that part about he doesn't know if he'll tell her you started up again- that says a lot about where you are on his priority list.
When you were casual, you and the guy were equal. Now you are not and there is zero evidence he's inclined to become more serious. Any chance you can couch surf with friends or take yourself for a weekend vacation to help you make the break? Down this road lies ache. All your feelings are okay. Do not fall for the absurd notion that to be a strong person is to defeat your own feelings.
He's not necessarily a bad guy, but this will go badly for you. If someone had figured out a way to turn off unwanted romantic feelings at will they'd be a billionaire and you'd see it sold at pharmacies across the world. Unfortunately no such thing exists, and there are only two known methods to shutting off said feelings: I would suggest the first. Less glibly, the only way to stop the woogly feelings of limerance is to stop doing the behaviors that led to them, namely having sex, hanging out, and being emotionally intimate.
These behaviors are going to interfere with your ability to hang out and be emotionally intimate with other people, simply because our time and emotional energy is not infinite. As for his girlfriend, the moment he broke their relationship rules and stopped informing her of his involvement with you is the moment your relationship turned from "OK" to "Cheating".
This is a big red Drama Flag. It also indicates something about his character and the respect or lack thereof he has for his relationships. I am generally quite a stable person You're not required to put yourself to a test you know you'll likely fail. What good would come of it? Feelings are not horses and rarely respond to reining. Cut him loose and go date someone else.
You have the internet's permission to listen to your gut on this. This right here is the key part. You are going to feel how you feel - and it's okay to feel feelings in a situation like this; plenty of folks make non-monogamous relationships work, both with and without emotions.
But relationships monogamous, open, or poly only work when everyone knows what's going on, is communicating with each other, and has signed off on it and for some folks, that means "don't ask and don't tell" - but they still need to have made that agreement, and you said that you weren't sure that they had set boundaries and agreed on what was okay and what wasn't. Maybe he can do the work to make this work for everyone. But it doesn't sound like he's interested in doing the work.
I'm with Etrigan - if you're interested in non-monogamy, great! But figure that out with someone s who is willing to do the work and who is willing to play fair with everyone.
There is no way you can stop yourself from feeling what you do, or continuing to feel it, or feeling more of it down the road. That isn't how this works.
It's not about strength. You're gratified by what you have with this guy and it's giving you a hormonal kick so your brain is trying to find ways that you can get to keep having it. It's not going to work. Just get a move on. It'll only get worse the longer you leave it.
The fact that people and him call the other woman his "girlfriend" is a very bad sign IMO. Someone in an open relationship does not have a girlfriend. They have a fuck buddy Why is he and everyone calling her his girlfriend when they know that it's an open thing? Guys would generally hesitate to use that word with someone they don't feel at least a tiny bit commited to.
Notice that though he is seeing both of you openly, she is the "girlfriend" and you are what exactly? You are opening yourself up to a plethora of pain. Trust me you will not try much to find someone else when he's in your life.
The subconscious mind is very powerful and you telling yourself that you will try won't change it. The motivation simply won't be there. Do not answer his texts or anything. Say you can't see him anymore and then go cold turkey.
You might think about him a lot especially when you are feeling down. When this happens just distract yourself with any number of things.
But better yet, join clubs- go out with friends. You may not be able to fully trust him anyway because of what he's doing with his "girlfriend. How lucky you are that you have stumbled upon a majorly painful chapter in your life that you CAN avoid. Don't send yourself down a path of regret. I knew a woman in precisely your situation.
As long as she kept dating him, a lot of heartache for her on one hand, and absolutely zero negative consequences of any kind for the couple. Because "she knew what she was getting into" so of course any hurt feelings or unmet expectations were due to her prudish lack of acceptance of poly dynamics. By design, you have no 'rights' in this relationship. Your wants and needs are less important than hers to him.
Is that really how you want to spend your time?
Poly can be amazing for some people. But it isn't for everyone, and you shouldn't feel like you have to knuckle down and do it. This does not match my experience at all. Ok, but in your experience is only one of those people in the poly known as the girlfriend while the others are called something else? Because that's the sense that I get from reading what the OP wrote.
To me, the red flag is that he and his girlfriend do not seem to be on the same page regarding what's allowable in their relationship. The minute he said he didn't know if he'd tell his girlfriend that he was seeing you again, that's not being open and honest. Open relationship or no, that might be considered cheating to her. There are also plenty of people out there, men and women both, who will take everything they can get out of a situation until someone else finally calls bullshit.
That is, why does he need to do anything What does open minded mean in dating what is an fwb if he's getting what he wants from both of you? Having been in a similar situation although I was your guy friend in my caseI'd recommend breaking it off just to get away from the drama.
It's very unlikely that you can just continue the status quo with him. Let me just say - I have been there.